


morphosis: safe

by SonataForMyOverdosedLover



Series: And in her arms he'd kill the Maker, each time, a little more [6]
Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: F/M, a story depicted in moments, first real conversation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-01
Updated: 2015-03-01
Packaged: 2018-03-15 20:46:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3461435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SonataForMyOverdosedLover/pseuds/SonataForMyOverdosedLover
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"<em><strong>Safe</strong></em> and solid, protecting and proud. He feels like quiet, stronger when you hold him."</p><p> </p><p>When she let her warnings reach him he found himself smiling. There was little reason to smile around Haven. It could have been foolish on his part and yet her words couldn’t wash away the contrasting safety that her calm voice was providing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	morphosis: safe

**Author's Note:**

> A collection of moments, words, gestures, glances and touches. It might have crossed Varric's mind to get some fresh inspiration for a new novel but truth being told they made no good story. In order to write a story you need a strong beginning, a happy middle, and a memorable ending. They couldn't agree on a beginning, there was no middle way for either of them, and they would not accept an end. Theirs was a story they would rather keep to their longing fingers and their craving mouths.
> 
> morphosis: safe

_“Varric says that I am misjudging you; that I don't give you enough credit and that I should … try to know you better.” _She had waltzed to him through his men on the training ground as if she was simply out for a morning stroll. _“He said that I will change my mind if I could spare some time for a conversation.”_ __

__He continued to walk knowing that she was following him. He had no idea that he was supposed to get an approval from the woman but apparently Varric thought different._ _

__“Did he now? I am afraid that there is little to talk about. I was recruited to the Inquisition in Kirkwall, myself. I was there during the mage uprising – I saw firsthand the devastation it caused.”_ _

__He heard one of the scouts calling for his attention but did not stop. He let the man catch up with him and automatically took the report. They were all the same and Leliana was making sure to keep them coming. “Cassandra sought a solution. When she offered me a position, I left the Templars to join her cause.”_ _

__He finally stopped in a safer area, away from the loud noises of the training ground. If she wanted to talk at least they should be able to hear each other._ _

__“Now it seems we face something far worse.” He really didn’t want to talk about past events. If possible he would bring the woman to their present moment. Whatever was before, he could not let that influence whatever road he had ahead. This chatter was not going to bring anything good, and he wished Varric were less intrusive.  
But he looked up and caught the Trevelyan eyeing him with conflicted interest. She had dropped her previous easy-going attitude and a shadow of concern hovered over her figure. _ _

__“You left the Templars for this?” For a moment he thought that she was going to make the conversation about the Order again but she kept a serious figure as she gazed over the training ground. “Do you truly believe that the Inquisition could work?”_ _

__Her tone felt so strange. For the first time it was empty of her usual snarl and coy hiss and she addressed him as if his opinion really mattered to her._ _

__“I do.” He paused to approve the demands on the report and send the scout away. Then he looked straight at the herald. “The chantry lost control of both Templars and mages. Now they argue over a new Divine while the Breach remains. The Inquisition could act where the Chantry cannot. Our followers could be part of that. There’s so much we – ” he stopped. Maker, what was he doing? The woman was staring at him expectantly and he realized that more typical, exalted words for the cause were not something she’d like to hear. “Forgive me. I doubt you came here for a lecture.”_ _

__She glanced one more time at the men and women fighting in front of them before comfortably crossing her arms in front of her chest. She turned to him swinging her weight from a hip to another and smiled, clearly amused. He though he was an easy prey to her sarcasm, yet she surprised him again when she did not take advantage of his enthusiasm._ _

__“Leliana is still waiting for an answer from her Maker in order to make a decision and she looks at me as if I am Andraste’s personal scribe, keeping letters away from her. Josephine is being eaten alive by nobles and she is wearing herself out in order to keep appearances for us. I can’t afford leaving Cassandra behind; I’ve grown too dependent on her skills.” She met his eyes, with the severe and focused expression he was growing used to. “You are in charge of the forces and you are the only one fully aware of our real capability. You understand our situation, Commander – of course I appreciate your opinion. I am not going to throw myself into a battle without knowing what my chances are.”_ _

__It took a moment to acknowledge both her words and her voice. She managed to remind him what Cassandra had always tried to make him understand. There was no time for doubt. He did not bare an empty title. His position and the expectations that he needed to fulfill were threatening. But that instant he felt more confident than ever since the disaster at the Conclave. He stopped himself from wondering what had changed and simply acted on it._ _

__“Despite what the clerics think, we are in the best position to help. However, there is still a lot of work ahead.” And as if to prove his point they were soon interrupted by another agent, with an all too familiar set of papers in his hands._ _

__“Commander. Ser Rylen has a report on our supply lines.”_ _

__“As I was saying.” He couldn’t hide his amusement at the displeasure with which the woman eyed the man. “If you don’t mind…”_ _

__“Oh no, please go ahead…” Their sudden forced politeness left the scout a bit discouraged, not knowing how to read the mixed signs he was receiving._ _

__Cullen found himself relieved when she followed them. She waited patiently until the man left. She stared at his back long enough as if she had forgotten why she was there; but then she cleared her voice._ _

__“I fear we still have not covered the reason for my intrusion.”_ _

__He laughed. How she could expose determination with such a trivial air was a mystery to him._ _

__“Ok, what would you like to know?”_ _

__“I…” the woman stopped and stared at him directly “haven’t thought that far.”_ _

__He could only mimic her troubled expression at the woman’s words._ _

__“Varric mentioned you in his stories from Kirkwall..”_ _

__He frowned. He knew what sort of man he had been during those days._ _

__“I bet there were all sorts of great versions you must have heard.” He let out in a slightly sarcastic tone._ _

__“Actually they were.” The promptitude of her answer took him by surprise. And without a proper reason, he felt offended by the doubt he heard in her voice. “Well he did entertain me with particular jokes but he got really defensive when I passed judgment on you based on your Templar training.”_ _

__“Is it really a habit of yours to insult someone every two sentences?” He worded his annoyance in the calmest and most reasonable way he could. Maybe talking of the days in which he had to face Hawke’s sharp sarcasm was the reason behind his sudden attitude. He was ready to receive the negative reaction from the woman, taking full responsibility for the change of mood._ _

__But the herald simply stared at him, her eyes slightly wider than usual. She took him by surprise when her lips curled up in honest amusement and he swore that her eyes turned a warmer shade of amber._ _

__“Alright...Varric wins. I really thought that for a Chantry-trained dog you wouldn’t know how to bite.”_ _

__“That right there was another insult. And the thought that there was a bet behind all of this feels slightly insulting as well.”_ _

__Her smile lingered on her lips even as she moved away from the joke._ _

__“Why did you join The Order anyway?”_ _

__He considered how this was going to end in another chance for the woman to negate the importance of the Templars but they were already having a conversation he couldn’t avoid._ _

__“I could think of no better calling than to protect those in need. It was a noble cause and it gave me purpose. I was thirteen when the Knight – Captain spoke to my parents on my behalf. They agreed to send me for training.”_ _

__“Thirteen?” Her eyes narrowed. “That’s such a young age…”_ _

__“I wasn’t the youngest there. Some children are promised to The Order at infancy. Still, I didn’t take on full responsibility until I was eighteen. The Order sees you trained and educated first.”_ _

__He watched as her smile turned malign but she made no remark at his words._ _

__“So... was The Order everything you’d hoped for?”_ _

__He paused. “For the longest time, I thought so. I wanted to learn everything. If I was going to give my life to this, I would be the best Templar I could.”_ _

__“That I can see… model student.” she let it out while allowing her attention to return to the training ground._ _

__“I wanted to be, at least. But watching a candle burn while reciting The Chant of Transfigurations wasn’t the most exciting task.”_ _

__He was not prepared for what came after and he felt a sudden urge to search for the woman’s face and find out how she looked while laughing. She did not turn to him but her clear laughter told him that he had her full attention. It had been short but unexpectedly rich. He came to the conclusion that while she didn’t seem to laugh as a common habit, the life she had before the Breach had given her enough opportunities to do so. Someone as arid as the woman would look awkward while laughing but oddly enough, it fit perfectly with her features._ _

__“I bet by Canticle 12 that candle seemed literally tempting to put to test the _‘fire that I be cleansed’.”__ _

__Cullen frowned and continued to stare at the woman._ _

__“You know the verses?”_ _

__Only then she glanced at him from the corner of her eyes, complemented by her pertinent smile._ _

__“Just because I don’t share your faith in a divine force doesn’t mean that I don’t read, Commander.” She held his gaze, calculating if she should continue her thoughts. “I enjoy this sort of humorous literature.”_ _

__Then he remembered she was a Trevelyan; a noble family dedicated almost entirely to the service of the Chantry. How this woman was related to them…_ _

__“And yet you were at the Conclave.”_ _

__“Family duty.” Her answer came quick._ _

__“You see, without discrediting your words… I don’t believe that. I never did in fact. You were definitely not the only Trevelyan present there. Lady Montilyet’s correspondence with your relatives clearly mentioned the loss of several members of your family.”_ _

__“We are a numerous family. I can’t even name half of them; and it seems that you are better informed than I am on the matter.” The fact that she refused to look at him and show any interest in the matter only triggered more alarms in his head. As he expected, the woman was able to read the pending questions through his silence._ _

__A momentary wrinkling of her nose betrayed the displeasure that the subject was causing._ _

__“I was there on behalf of my father – of my father’s advisers, truthfully. And I can’t deny that I was curious… this _solution_ that Divine Justinia was going to provide sounded too idealistic not to hear it myself. I thought that the worst that could happen would be mages and Templars killing each other – and at the risk of sounding dreadfully cynical, in retrospective, that would have been a better outcome than this.” She shook her head gently, “I was hoping to have my presence there unnoticed.” Only then did she turn her head to look at him. “That plan clearly didn’t work out.” _ _

__“So after that you don’t remember what happened?” He asked, caught in her story._ _

__The woman pushed the silence a little further before answering. She looked down at her hand and brought her arm up to open her palm as if she could see the mark through the glove._ _

__“Not a single thing.” The distant whisper took him by surprise. “... it’s rather strange because I never forge-“ she abruptly breathed in the rest of her sentence and faced him with her usual marmoreal expression. “No; nothing.”_ _

__The way she morphed her entire presence in front of his eyes sent cold chills down his spine and suddenly the winter air felt uncomfortably freezing._ _

__He was almost thankful when she took over the conversation again._ _

__“It is still unclear to me how a Templar from Ferelden ended up serving under the Chantry in a city from The Free Marches.”_ _

__“I was sent to Kirkwall not long after the end of the Blight. I had been stationed at the Circle of Ferelden until then.”_ _

__She knew. When her body straightened and her eyebrows furrowed it was clear that the events at the Circle were not unknown to her. He guessed she knew as much as the next person who had heard of the abominations that took over the Circle Tower._ _

__“Few who survived the Blight have fond memories of that time. I would prefer not to speak of it.” He was content, for the first time, of her upbringing. It was easier to communicate to a person with a diplomatic education that he wished to avoid certain subjects. When he moved on she listened with calm interest. “I served under Knight-Commander Meredith. The Chantry decided that it was the best place to have me as... my beliefs and aspirations were very similar back then to those of the Knight Commander.” He felt uncomfortable by admitting the truth but just because red lyrium had taken the woman’s minds he was not going to discredit the good work she had accomplished until then._ _

__“Hard to believe… Meredith was a strong-headed woman; not exactly fond of the mages. Judging by the careful attention you give to the mages here I…fail to see the resemblance.”_ _

__He frowned. “I’ve seen the suffering magic can inflict. I’ve treated mages with distrust because of it – at times without cause. That was unworthy of me. I am trying not to do so here. Not that I want mages moving through our base completely unchecked. We need Safeguards in place to protect people – including mages – from possession, at the very least.” He added a bit too quickly, remembering the serious considerations that the woman was giving about the mages in Redcliffe. But then something else sank in. “You spoke of the Knight-Commander as if you knew her.”_ _

__“Barely.” Her voice was grounded. “I worked for her on a few occasions.” The silence that followed felt heavy._ _

__“You’ve been to Kirkwall?”_ _

__“Only about 4 times in my entire life.” She smiled absentmindedly. “Dreadful city, really – resembles more a prison than a place anyone would want to live in. No insults to you or Varric.”_ _

__“Well, I wasn’t there for the view.” He caught himself disappointed that she hadn’t let out a full laughter as before. He shifted his weight and pressed on the subject._ _

__“What sort of work? I thought someone like you would want nothing to do with Chantry business.”_ _

__She inhaled and let the cold air reach her lungs._ _

__“Ah, but you see… the Trevelyans are well known for their services to the Chantry.” He let her mock his thoughts. “There is always some cleric in the Free Marches paying good money to have their problems solved. Occasionally… I pick up some of them. Whenever mages from the Circle in Kirkwall managed to escape the city as fugitives they were already out of you Commander’s reach. I... took her offer twice.”_ _

__“I didn’t take you for the ‘fetching’ type.”_ _

__She let out a short laugh but it was cold, empty and heavy. “Oh no, I was not fetching anything. Hunting… is the word you are looking for.”_ _

__His throat was dry and when he spoke it felt as though thorns had clogged it._ _

__“Did you bring any back?”_ _

__“I gave them the chance to turn in for judgment, if that is what you’re asking.” When she turned her head to face him there was no warmth in her eyes. “You were a Templar… you know the answer to that.”_ _

__He felt angry with himself for allowing the woman to confess all of this. They both knew that anyone in his place would have judged her for it. Doing a Templar’s job for money and as a sport felt unnaturally disgusting and cruel. Anyone would have had the right to express shock or disapproval. Anyone but him. He wished he could hate the woman but he had no right. He was the last person in the Inquisition who could judge her for the blood on her hands. And she knew it._ _

__The woman pressed her lips and waited for the group of sisters to pass by before speaking._ _

__“What exactly happened between Kirkwall’s mages and templars during the rebellion?”_ _

__“You were at the Conclave. You must have heard people speak of it.” That moment he wished he could step away from the woman. It felt like her interest was empty of any sort of compassion._ _

__“Yes. But you were there.”_ _

__She was unmovable. He had no other option than to fill her curiosity. With a heavy sigh he went on._ _

__“There was tension between mages and Templars long before I arrived. Eventually, it reached a breaking point. There was fighting in the streets. Abominations began killing both sides. It was a nightmare.” He didn’t cower from sharing how everything felt back then._ _

__“And then what?”_ _

__“The Templars should have restored order, but red lyrium had driven Knight-Commander Meredith mad. She threatened to kill Kirkwall’s Champion, turned on her own men. I’m not sure how far she would have gone. Too far.”_ _

__“So you opposed her?” the woman asked almost the moment he ended his sentence. She sounded intrigued if not slightly appreciative._ _

__“I stood with the Champion against her. In the end. But I should have seen through Meredith sooner.”_ _

__“Seems the Order is in complete chaos at the moment. Templars rebelling against their Commanders; the Order itself stepping away from the Chantry.”_ _

__She had facts mixed up; or she simply acted that way. Regardless, she was getting under his skin. One word of admiration followed but a row of snarled insults._ _

__“The Order believes the Chantry no longer supports their efforts. Not to the extent they should.”_ _

__“Oww, but the Templars have served The Chantry for ages.”_ _

__He didn’t register the biting rancor in her voice immediately as he was burning with anger under her words. If she wanted to hear that she was right, so be it. It made him burn with silent anger admitting that there was grounded truth behind her lack of respect for both the Templars and the Chantry._ _

__“And in that time, they have come to take the Order’s services for granted.”_ _

__If the Maker had any mercy left for him, He would not let his faith be shaken by this woman. She made him burn with anger and yet made his mind relax in cold relief at the same time. Voicing his own disappointment in an institution he had given his life to, made him feel like a traitor but also thankful to share his burden with someone who would not be shocked by it or pity him._ _

__“Templars risk their lives against blood magic, demons, abominations – to feel as if those efforts are dismissed-” he took a breath, sensing the lack of control he was threatening to show. “I may disagree with the Order’s actions – that I’m here is proof of that – but I sympathize with their frustrations.”_ _

__He waited for the woman to gloat in her victory. It was something she was well known for by now. But his fire was dying with every second that the woman spent not lifting her gaze from the snow at her feet._ _

___The unpredictable could not be controlled._ He reminded himself of his thoughts the first time he met the woman. It seemed that he was incapable of predicting anything about her, from her acts, to her words or small gestures. _ _

__Her nose wrinkled once more. He noticed, but he was sure she hadn’t. She was returning from her thoughts and yet did not look up just yet._ _

__“Do you regret it now? Becoming a Templar?”_ _

__He held in his urge to step closer to her just to make sure he could hear her barely breathed question. It wasn’t her words that he was doubting not hearing well, but the bitterness in her voice._ _

__How was he going to answer that? He had never asked himself this particular question, but hearing it now, he realized how justified it was. How… was he going to answer? There were things that he wasn’t going to share with the woman but he found himself wanting to know the answer as well. Would his life have been better? Was the reward of a Templar life enough to compensate for the miserable way in which they were meant to end?_ _

__“People need protection... the powerful will never step in to take the damage, but they will use a shielding force. Someone has to do it. You may disregard the Templars but there is honor in what we do. And all that we sacrifice… yes… I’d do it again just to protect those that can’t do it for themselves.”_ _

__“That’s not what I asked…”_ _

__They both remained silent, listening to the clashing of swords._ _

__He couldn’t tell her. He could barely face it himself. Cassandra would have suggested to politely retreat from the conversation. Leliana would have advised him to lie so that they would never speak of it again. Admitting his current state would only cripple the trust on the Inquisition. His throat was dry and he felt as if he had walked for miles. He just...wanted to rest._ _

__“Allow me to answer that another time.”_ _

__If she was surprised by his words the woman did not show. But slowly he saw her shoulders lowering and her body relaxing._ _

__“Alright.” She looked up at him and he knew he was going to keep his promise to her. “I’ll be waiting, Commander.”_ _

__He wondered if this was what mutual understanding felt like. He didn’t know how the rules of conversation worked. He was trained to use his sword and let it be guided by his judgment. No one sought a common ground with the troubles of his mind, nor did they show care and patience._ _

__He felt _ **safe**_ for the very first time under someone else’s gaze. When she let her words reach him he found himself smiling. There was little reason to smile around Haven, but he couldn’t bring himself to let the woman know how bad she was at reading him. The guiltier he felt about misleading her the more enjoyable it was. _ _

__“But while it’s admirable, you should stop being so dreadfully honest in front of people who might take advantage of it.”_ _

__She said that. But it didn’t feel right. It could have been foolish on his part and yet her words couldn’t wash away the contrasting safety that her calm voice was providing._ _

__“I hope that my curiosity did not make you feel uncomfortable.” While there was truth in her words he knew that she was working her way out of the unpleasant topic they had shared. “It’s just that you Templars give up too much of the great things that this life has to offer.”_ _

__There it was. He had been right as she was clearly building her path to another set of insults. Yet he didn’t find himself minding it. If anything he welcomed her attempts, curious on how far she could actually go._ _

__“As Templars, we are not to seek wealth or acknowledgement. Our lives belong to the Maker and the path we have chosen. But -” He was about to continue his trail of thoughts when she interrupted him._ _

__“See? Completely dull. You’re missing the best parts.”_ _

__He allowed himself a breathed laughter._ _

__“A hunt for riches and a struggle for power? I think the Templars are taught to distinguish between values and vices in life.”_ _

__She humored him with an unexpected dedication to her point of view._ _

__“Knowledge! Pleasure! You’re stuck inside the walls of the Chantry and the restrictions of ridiculous abstention! There is a world outside your Order. You are leading a life of service and sacrifice! How can that feel like an accomplishment? How can that feel satisfying? I’ve met Sisters in the Chantry who were less virtuous than what your precious order preaches.”_ _

__It was hard to bring an argument in a conversation with her mainly because she wouldn’t listen. He knew this could actually be a problem in a real confrontation but right now he found himself too distracted by her humorous attitude._ _

__He was able to witness her thoughts being shaped into a coy, pertinent expression and find their final and unsettling, for him, form in a ridiculous question.  
“Are Templars also expected to give up… physical temptations?”_ _

__“Physical?” His voice died in his throat and he realized he had fallen for her trap. He would bear the horrifying memory of this particular moment for weeks to come; of that he was sure. “Why would you…” he could only curse as he realized he had made it worse by implying that she would be interested in – he needed to save face._ _

__“That’s not expected. Templars can marry – although there are rules around it, and the Order must grant permission. Some may choose to give up…more… to prove their devotion, but it’s, um, not required.”_ _

__When she said nothing he thought he could allow himself a moment of relief for dodging a terrible outcome._ _

__He needed to look away. He knew it was imperative for his own sake but when her lips pressed together and curled in the most dashing smile she had ever granted him so far, his eyes could not be persuaded to move._ _

__Her voice came out amused and leering, washing over him in a wave of warmth and leaving his throat dry._ _

__“Have you?”_ _

__“Me?! I… um… no. I’ve taken no such vows.”_ _

__Was there something else he should have said? Her lack of reaction only made it worse. Only when her smile started to lose most of its maliciousness and she crossed her arms, attention casually back on the training ground, did he allow himself to breathe again._ _

__And there she went again, offering him false security just to dive for another blow._ _

__“Good. It would have been a waste.”_ _

__“I-oh… I’m sorry!?” he couldn’t stop himself from exhaling that idiotic question._ _

__Her answer came absent-minded as if she had not realized the weight that her previous words had dropped on him._ _

__“A waste… not knowing the taste of someone’s lips, the feeling of another skin on yours, the heat of two entangled bodies… a life barren of those is not a life worth living.”_ _

__He thought of her words. He liked to believe that they were said just to make him feel uncomfortable but he was sure that the woman hadn’t realized how she engraved them into his mind. He had never considered such physical things in terms of importance and value. He cursed his mind knowing that from that moment on he would never be able to see the woman the same way as before. And he cursed the Trevelyan as well when he caught her sly grin. Of course she had been completely aware of how misleading her words had been._ _

__“Can we please speak of something else?”_ _

__She was about to answer when one of Leliana’s messengers approached them. He had never been happier to see those damned papers. The woman caught sight of him as well._ _

__“I rather think I took enough of your time, Commander. I should leave you attend to your duties.”_ _

__“Of course.” He grabbed the papers and looked down._ _

__“I am counting on your presence this evening at the table. I think we’ve been waiting enough on both sides and we need to make a decision.”_ _

__“Very well...”_ _

__She prolonged the silence._ _

__“Have an easy day.”_ _

__“Likewise, _herald_.”_ _

__He looked up just to catch the look of annoyance on her face when she turned around and left. He shook his head and smiled as he returned his attention to the papers. The lack of verbal protest was an improvement._ _

__He couldn’t help but replay her words in his mind. Of course she had picked them intentionally. Suddenly he found himself embarrassed by his lack of reaction. His mind raced through what he could have answered instead of that naïve question. Maker damn you for a fool! He was not a young boy anymore. He was trying to convince himself that it was just his imagination, but what if the woman had actually - to what end anyway? There was no time for such things, he reminded himself. And even if she had any intentions, all he had to do was look back at her to realize that she was not the sort of woman who would share his views on the matter. She was an attractive woman in a peculiar way but her calculated eyes held no patience for what he had to offer. He knew there was no returning to the opinions he had had of her before this day but he would not deny the unexpected common ground he had found with her. His thoughts were a tangled mess. As he banished the plum color of her lips to the back of his mind he read the requirements from the papers for the tenth time without remembering a single word._ _


End file.
